National Lampoon's Scoresby Vacation.

I believe every family is required to have at least one vacation that's an epic Fail. This is so all the other vacations can be seen in their proper light, and enjoyed appropriately. This is going to be LONG, so the pictures will be done at another time, so they can be enjoyed appropriately.

Allow me to lay out our epic:

1. The trip was horribly complicated in the first place. We had two weddings to attend two weeks apart in two separate time zones. That, plus my work schedule, led to the following plan:

• Thursday morning, Tracy left, early. She drove for two days, with Afton, to reach Minneapolis, where my sister Joanna was getting married on Saturday. In order to save her sanity, I kept Logan, and the Cramers watched him while I'm at work. (Thank you, Nate and Sarah!)
• Friday after work, I got Logan, drove to the airport, and flew to Minneapolis. My flight was delayed for about 2 hours (I think?) and I arrived at about 11:00, getting to sleep at midnight, the day of the wedding. We attended the wedding, set up and attended the reception, swam in the hotel pool with the fam, and went to bed.
• Sunday, we went to church with Emily and Preston and hung out with them afterwards.
• Monday morning, (early!) I flew home. I spent Monday relaxing and cleaning, while Tracy drove to Wisconsin with both kids.
• That week, Tracy hung out with Mom, Dad, Ben, Shannon and Macey while I worked.
• Saturday I flew out of Dulles to Wisconsin. Dad picked me up, we went shooting while we were waiting for Tracy to show up from Ben and Shannon's. We went to Briq's and looked at chalk drawings.
• Sunday, Church with Mom and Dad.
• Monday, we drove to Aberdeen to visit Grandma Allred. Afton loved Storybook land. She also loved Grandma's house, proving that it's not just us grandkids who like it.
• Tuesday. This is where the plan started to break down. First I'll list what was supposed to happen on the day in red (in present tense), then what really happened in black. We left Aberdeen more or less on schedule, and start driving to Mount Rushmore. We got slightly off track (no more than an hour). We saw Mount Rushmore, then started heading west, trying to reach Casper, Wyoming before nightfall. We arrive in Casper and play in the pool, getting a good night's sleep in a great hotel. We broke down, 40 miles north of Lusk Wyoming, on US Highway 18/85. We didn't even have cell phone service there. (However, we did have great service in Lusk. 5 bars!) A kind guy named Pat picked us up, put us in his big truck (Afton loved it!) and drove us to Lusk, where his girlfriend had broken down. We spent the night in the Rawhide Motel. It was overly cramped and spartan, but more or less clean, and didn't cost and arm and leg. Our van got towed into Lusk at 11:30 that night. I got our essentials out, and we slept.
• Wednesday, we leave Casper and drive, stopping at Martin's Cove, to Uncle Blair's. We arrive near dinnertime where Aunt Leslie has a great dinner prepared for us. No. we woke up, spent half the day kicking around the hotel, and the tow/repair place said they couldn't fix it, and it would have to go to a Nissan dealership; the closest is in Cheyenne, WY. We said okay, and after a lot of confusion, ended up getting our insurance to tow it to Cheyenne. The truck wouldn't arrive for several hours, though, and we were starting to go stir crazy. Thankfully, we called our bishop, and he put us in touch with the Branch President in Lusk. He and his family graciously offered to let us stay with the that night. We did, Afton loved it, and his daughters (4 of them aged 16 to 7) loved her and Logan.
  
• Thursday, we go visit Tracy's friend Dena in Bountiful, UT, and go the the local pool with her and her son while her husband studies. After that, we head down to Provo, where we hang out on BYU's campus, revisiting some of our old haunts, and visiting Janet at work, until she gets off, when she, Tracy and I go climbing in Rock Canyon. We played with our hosts until Mom and Grandma, who had driven from Aberdeen that morning, arrived in Lusk at noon with Grandma's car, which we used. We got gas, and drove past Independence Rock, Devils Gate, and Martin's Cove. As we got on the freeway, I started feeling a little unsettled, but it was better being in the driver's seat, than the passenger, so I kept going. As we went, it got worse. I thought I needed to eat, so at Little America, I got a Patty Melt. Yummy, and it made me feel better, for about 15 minutes. We got in to Uncle Blair's at about 9:30 pm. I was feeling even worse. After we got the kids down, I tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. The pain got more intense and I started throwing up. At 3 AM, I went to the Davis County Hospital ER. The pain subsided almost immediately after I was admitted, and I got a whole IV of Saline before I was sent home. I slept for 3 hours.
• Friday. We didn't really have many plans for Friday besides hanging out with family, so we did! We just went to Provo to do it. We hung out and ate lunch on campus with Mom, Dad, Sarah and Brian, and Joanna and Ben put in guest appearances. We visited Janet and went to the BYU bookstore, which is so much better than the GMU bookstore. then we went to Sarah and Brian's place where we hung out more while Aunt Emily made the wedding cake. We had a family dinner at Tucano's where I was constantly reminded that I had been in the hospital less than 24 hours before, and should eat carefully. Right. we also find out that the van needs a new fuel injector, and will be ready Saturday evening.
  
• Saturday. We drove to the Bountiful Temple, which was packed, for Sarah's wedding. Afterwards, we took some pictures outside in the hot summer sun. Afton was getting cranky by the end, so we went and visited Dena for an hour, where Afton got to play with Noah. then we drove down to Salt Lake City for a luncheon, then back to Dena's where Afton slept while Tracy and Dena talked. then we drove back to Kaysville for the reception, where Afton ran amok among large numbers of family in a fenced off backyard (amok, amok, amok!) while Tracy and I mingled with large numbers of family and friends and Sarah and Brian stood and nodded politely to everyone who walked by.
• Sunday, we start driving home. We stop in Grand Island, Nebraska. Instead, since the van couldn't be picked up (they were closed) and Grandma and Mom weren't planning on leaving until Monday, we stayed in Utah, went to church with family, and visited more family in Provo.
• Monday we drive to Nauvoo, IL, where we visit historic Nauvoo, and see the pageant, then stay in a hotel 20 miles north. We got up and drove convoy to Cheyenne with Mom and Grandma, then discovered that the van wasn't ready. Instead, it needed a new transmission. Apparently, the computer's diagnostic code for the transmission didn't show up until the fuel injector had been cleared, and nobody could recognize the symptoms of an automatic transmission not shifting based on how it was driving. After seething in fury at people who don't know how to troubleshoot properly, we rented a car one way, and parted ways: Mom and Grandma heading to Aberdeen, and us headed home. We stopped in Lincoln, at the "Luxury Inn" by the airport. The carpet had been cleaned that day, but the room's AC didn't work, leaving the entire room damp and musty. The room was not worth the $45 we paid.
• Tuesday, we drove to Toledo, Ohio, where we stayed in a Knight's Inn. It was much nicer, for 10 dollars more.
• Wednesday, we drove home, arriving at 6:10 PM. I got Cocoa from the family that was watching her. (Thanks, Cottons!)
• Thursday, (today) I went back to work, until I left early to return the rental

Still to do: fly back to Cheyenne to recover the van and drive it back home. I think that's another epic, though.

On the plus side, this resonates with me much more now: