So today you turned one. I spent a lot of time in your room, holding your blanky to my chest, wishing with all my heart it was you I was holding. I feel that your blanky is the only thing I have that was truly yours. I can't believe its already been 4 months since you've been gone. My heart aches, my arms physically ache wanting to be able to hold you and can't. I can't wait for the day when I can hold you in my arms again. I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss playing peek a boo with you right before bed. You would put your blanky over your head, and then push it away with a laugh and beautiful smile. I wish with everything that I am that my last memory of you wasn't crying before bedtime. I wish I would have just let you fall asleep in my arms instead of crying in the crib. I know it was just a few moments of tears, but I didn't know it would be your last bedtime. How I wish I knew.
I visited your grave today and put flowers on it. The flowers were actually from your Uncle Ben and Aunt Shannon. It looked nice. It felt good to go even though it was really hard. Thoughts keep coming-would you have taken your first steps by now? Would you be able to say mama? Would you have more hair? Would you be getting into everything and driving me crazy? (Probably not as much as Afton did.) :) The thoughts today of you hurt, but its not like that always. I can usually remember you with love and happiness that I had you for eight months of my life. I can't help being selfish and wishing for more. I remember the joy I felt watching you learn to do new things. I remember the first day you laughed, the first day you smiled. I remember the first day you rolled over. You were a joy to spend time with. I know I have you for eternity, and sometimes that knowledge helps. Sometimes it doesn't. But overall, I would have to say I am thankful for the temple and the plan of salvation. I am thankful that you are mine always and hope that one day, if I am strong and good enough, I will be able to see you and be with you again. I wish eternity didn't seem so far away. Who knows, maybe it isn't. I love and miss you.
Mom
