Christmas 2012

This Christmas I've been more reflective than usual. Christmas has been an emotional roller-coaster  for me ever since Logan died. I love being able to watch the children's eyes light up with joy, waiting with anticipation for Christmas morning. On the other hand, I miss Logan a lot and wish I could see that same joy in his eyes.  I love singing Christmas hymns, and it was that in which had me reflecting my feelings and emotions of late. I've realized that I have hardened my heart against spiritual experiences, kind of as a self preservation mechanism. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but there you have it. I've realized that I feared being the type of person I was before Logan died-reading my scriptures and praying daily, listening to and being receptive to the spirit. I wasn't perfect by any means, but I was doing the things I was supposed to be doing. My fear was based on that if I was to be that type of person again, God would throw me another huge trial and that trial would completely break me. I don't  think I could survive it a second time.  I realized that I had stopped putting my trust in God and in His mercy and love.

And then I would go to church and we would sing Christmas songs about the joyous occasion of Jesus' birth. The songs touched my soul and I actually felt my heart softening.  Its funny because I have never realized that I had hardened it.  It kind of made me think of Laman and Lemuel- I feel like I understand them a little more and wonder if maybe I'm like them a little bit. I mean, throw me a trial and what do I do, harden my heart, murmur, etc. Anyways, I was reminded of the love our Savior has for each of us. I remembered that He knows exactly what I am going through and has actually suffered much worse. And I know that he suffered much worse because of the love He feels for me and for everyone.

So now, I have the desire to change and be more like the person I used to be and that's a good place to start. I am thankful for the blessings I have-for my family and friends. I'm thankful that I am able to be a mother to my children, even when they drive me crazy. :) I'm especially thankful for my Savior-for being able to feel His love although I was not in necessarily a good place.

We did have a great Christmas. It was fun and relaxing. We enjoyed Christmas Eve dinner with the Haywards and read about the birth of Jesus from the bible. We then woke up Christmas morning to the sound of Afton saying, " I think Santa came! Lets go check!!" She was so excited. We opened presents, ate a yummy breakfast of bacon and eggs, talked with family, and just enjoyed each other's company.

 We got a little snow Christmas day and the day after Christmas-maybe an eighth of an inch, if we were lucky. In fact, it didn't even stick on Christmas, but Afton had a blast playing in it and catching snowflakes on her tongue.

 Afton had a lot of fun opening presents. Tanner liked playing with the toys, but got really mad when we would take them away so that he could open another gift. It was pretty funny. It was so much fun seeing their excitement for Christmas morning.

 This is the awesome house Afton got for Christmas from Grandma and Grandpa. It has been a hit in our house with both kids. It so dang cute! Thanks Grandma and Grandpa!  ...and Joanna.

 These are the awesome boots I got for Christmas. I know I'm styl'n!

 Not sure if you can see the toe shoes...perfect for my toe socks!

 Afton in her pretty dress holding her purse. She is such a girlie girl. I don't know where she got it from? Joe??